Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 04/04/2008 - 20:58

BY ABDULLAH PIRKANI email- cutesangats@yahoo.com

All I have to do is to turn my head, look back and there she is. But no, I am not going to do that. Why? Well, I don’t want to lose her again.

It was raining this morning. I am sorry, but again___ it’s raining. I don’t know whether this rain is a friend or a foe of mine but it has always been there for me. Sometimes I feel like I have spent all my life in rain, even when it’s not raining. Any way it was raining and as usual I was getting wet. Well, what’s the rain for if you don’t get wet in it?

You must be thinking why am I mentioning this particular rain, what’s so special about it. Tell me, have you ever seen a rainbow while it’s raining. I did, this morning. In the air, on the raindrops, I saw her face. Can you imagine it, she was rainfall. I could only look at her face for a few moments when it disappeared. There is a face in this world that you never get tired of looking at___ she has it.

In real, it has been more than a couple of years since I last saw a rainbow in the rain, sunshine in the fog, stars in the wind___ since I last saw her.

Its afternoon and the rain has stopped. Everything around me is wet and so is my heart. With long gone foggy days and misty dreams in my eyes I am walking on purposelessly on an unseasoned road. But all this purposelessness has vanished as I have seen her in real. Yes… Just don’t ask me how I feel. I am not that good a writer to describe it in words and even if I were I could never have. Its enough that I see her.

I wish to tell you who she is to me but it’s a long story. I had the best time of my life watching her face glittering in the sunshine of her smile but then we had to be separated.

I recall the day when I last met her. She was sitting right in front of me and I, a faint-heart, verbalized every stupid thing that I could ever utter but couldn’t whisper my heart to her. My heart was crying, “I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to lose you. You are the best thing in my life, the best breath I ever took, the best shine the sun ever sent to me, and the best the clouds ever poured. You make me dream of your eyes, don’t close your eyes on me now.” But I had to leave, with my dreams eradicated. She never listened to my silence. Since then I always deprecated my silence___ it took her away from me, it lost the moment I thought it would win. The victory went to my depreciated words. They won while they were mere alphabetic sounds.

And today, after hundred of sunsets, the sun finally rises. It’s a humid summer afternoon and she comes into me like fresh breeze. Her irradiant existence brightens up the place. I see her as clear as crystal in the dark, as a moon in the middle of the night. The sheer awareness of her being her being there and me breathing in the same air, makes me forget all those exhausted days I spent without seeing her face, without hearing her voice.

You know what I plan to do now? My silence is viable no more, I am going to break it. And then, I vanish myself in her hair, touch her heart with my words, slip into her eyes and listen to her laughter with no one in my eyes but her. I am going to stay with her in an untroubled world forever.

“But wait,” I stop myself, “What if…”

Oh no, not this “What if” stuff again. I have been through all this every single day I spent with her. So not now. “No more what ifs”, I tell myself and walk towards her. My heart, holding my arm, pulls me towards her. “But you didn’t finish off this ‘what if’ the last time u departed her.” And my words push me back.

I have to stay. I am saturated with this ‘what if’ thing but I admit its still there. I am not that familiar with poetry but here I remember Robert Browning;

What need to strive with a life awry?

Had I said that, had I done this,

So might I gain, so might I miss.

Might she have loved me? Just as well

She might have hated, who can tell!

Where had I been now, if the worst befell?

And here we are riding, she and I.

But we are not riding together. We are standing, standing way apart. I am not looking at her but I believe she is looking at me. I feel her eyes touching my heart, the breeze spreading her breath over my face. I don’t know what is she thinking. She may be looking at an old friend of her but I, I am looking at my extreme pleasure.

I don’t look at her while she looks at me. I don’t see the expressions of her face. I can resurrect my dreams by looking at her. You ask me a thousand times and each and every time I tell you that I am dying to look at her face. But I wont look at her. I told you, I have lost her once, I don’t want to lose her again.

And I leave. With every step, I wish she calls me, says my name and wishes me to stop. I will stop. But no voice chases me and I leave. I feel my heart strangled and I know its annoyed with me. It doesn’t want to talk to me. Even then, heartlessly, it asks me, “Why are you leaving her?”

“She is too good to be mine.” I answer.

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