CONCEPT OF SEXUAL LIFE IN ISLAM
(A BRIF STUDY BY ABDULLAH PIRKANI)
Is marriage obligatory for a woman who is able to refrain from immoral
actions all her life, in order to devote herself to her religion and
to avoid the distractions and obligations of marriage?
Praise be to Allaah.
Allaah has enjoined marriage, as He says
(interpretation of the meaning): "And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife
and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious,
fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid#8209;servants
(female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty"
And it was enjoined by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
It was narrated that `Abd-Allaah ibn Mas'ood (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said, "O young men, whoever among you can afford
it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the
gaze and guarding one's chastity. And whoever cannot afford it, let him
fast, for it will be a shield for him." Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5065;
And there is the story of the three men who came to ask about the
worship of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
they were told about it, it was as if they thought it was not much. One of them said, "I keep away from women and I will never get married."
TheProphet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to this man and to his companions that he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) fasted and broke his fast, he stayed up praying and slept, and he
married women. Then he said: "Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is
not of me." Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5063; Muslim, 1401.
This story indicates that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the monasticism practiced by the Jews and
Christians, both men and woman. So this woman should not stay unmarried.
And Allaah is the Source of strength.
INTRODUCTION Islam is a complete way of life. Islam provides guidance and regulations for even the private moments of a Muslim's life. In the
collective of Ahadith and Seerah of Rasulullah(Sallallahualay-hi- wassallam)
there are numerous incidents and occasions when his companions came forward
and enquired from him about matters related to private life and it's problems. Even the womenfolk from his followers came forward and enquired
with regard to matters that are related to marital life and it's private issues. They did not feel ashamed or shy to learn the truth, nor did
our Rasulullah Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam)feel ashamed to expound the truth as the Quran Majeed says: "And Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) does not feel
ashamed of the Haqq." 33/53
It is thus clear that there is nothing wrong in learning or
discussing matters related to marriage and sex for the sake of educating ourselves Islamically. Today when the world is realizing the importance of "sex education" in their crude and rude outlook, then why should we as Muslims feel ashamed of reveling Islam's decent and refined
teachings in this field? Due to constant exposure to pornographic material and other shameless literature, many Muslims have overstepped the limits of Shariah in the fulfillment of their sexual lusts and desires and thus brought upon themselves the harms of this world and the next, particularly in the
form of certain deadly diseases, illnesses and infections. Many of them are blissfully unaware that there are any Islamic injunctions in this regard and due to sheer ignorance of Islamic regulations have transgressed the Laws of Shariah, thus causing harm and injury not only to themselves, but even to their partners and their yet unborn off-spring as the pages ahead will reveal.
Thus a need was felt to educate the Muslim public, particularly our younger generation and especially those prospective young couples that are on the threshold of entering into the sacred bond of nikah, in this often-neglected aspect of Islam, in order that their health and marital bond remain intact and protected from all harms and sorrow. It is hoped that every couple and couple-to-be will benefit greatly from this booklet. Insha-Allah.
Finally, a word regarding the material content of this book. The contents of this book have been extracted from authentic sources as the bibliography will reveal, Insha-Allah. The advices and observations on this topic are the result of years of experience, deep in sight and the spiritual foresight of our pious and wise elders, predecessors and Ulema.
To cast any aspersions on their words and teachings would be tantamount to doubting their integrity and erudition. None who claims to be a true Muslim has the right to such presumptuousness. If the atheistic western scientists and their worshippers find any of these teachings to be non conformant to their "research and findings", it is of no significance or concern to us. The "ever changing nature" of own their theories is proof enough of the flimsiness and uncertainty of their teachings, which are nothing but conjectural pastimes as far as we are concerned.
The mocking, jeering and sneering of such people should be discarded with the contempt it deserves. The teachings of our great luminaries is and will always remain dear and precious to us. Insha-Allah. May Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) make their booklet a means of reward and saviour for this humble servant and make it a means of guidance and benefit to His sincere and obedient servants. Aameen.
ETIQUETTES OF THE FIRST NIGHT
In the ideal Islamic situation, the husband and wife will most probably be total strangers to each other, having no kind of personal contact with each other previously due to the strict laws of hijab and pardah in the Shariah,. Coupled with this feeling of strangeness are the natural constraints of haya and modesty, that form an integral part of Imaan.
Under the particular circumstances it is quite natural that both the husband and wife will be extremely bashful of each other and under considerable strain and anxiety.
In order to "break the ice", they firstly greet each other with the traditional Islamic greetings of salaam. Thereafter the husband should gently place his right hand on his bride's forehead and recite Translation:- "O Allah! I ask you of her goodness, the good within her and the goodness upon which she was created. I seek Your protection from her evil, the evil within her and the evil upon which she was created".
Thereafter, wudhu and two rakats of salatul-Hajah maybe offered as a token of gratitude and thereby requesting assistance from Allah (Rabbul-Izzrat) for a successful and blessed marriage, pious offspring etc.
Thereafter, they may read some Deeni literature to each other particularly on the topic of Nikah, etc. In this regard Kitabun- Nikah, Hayatul-Muslimeen, etc are excellent material to study. If time and opportunity permits, this booklet should be read from cover to cover once at least on the first night.
One point of great importance that many newly wed, inexperienced men overlook is the importance of extreme gentleness and tenderness on the first night and during the first sexual encounter.
Many are under the false notion that gentleness is against "manliness" and the harm and damage that is done to the relationship on the first night due to this foolish notion, has it's impact on the marriage for months and years to come. During the initial stages of sexual union a virgin generally undergoes considerable anxiety and pain, which results in fear.
During such a time the husband must take great care and consideration in his movements and behaviour towards his bride.
One more point of caution to the husband is never to harbour unnecessary suspicions against the wife if for some reason it "appeared" that she was not a virgin. This is a sin. It is forbidden to harbour ill-thoughts about the next Muslim merely on the basis of such conjectures. And worse still is to make her a target of abuse and oppression on this ground. This is Zulm(oppression) and a major sin. There are many reasons a girl could lose her "hymen", the tissue of virginity- reasons that could be substantiated medically such as heavy flows during menstruation, illness, falling, jumping excessive, horse-riding, certain sporting activities, ageing etc.
TINTENTION FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Hazrat Ali (Radiallahu Anhum) is reported to have said in his WASA
"At the time of sexual intercourse, the following intentions should be made:
1. Protection against zina (adultery)
2. protection of the gaza from strange women
3. Attainment of pious and upright progeny who will serve Islam.
When intercourse is enjoyed with the correct intentions, then not only is an act of physical pleasure, but it also becomes an act of reward and Sawab.
In this regard the gist of a Hadith explains that even intercourse with one's wife is rewardable and regarded as Sadaqah.
The Sahaba (Radiyallahu-Anhum) were greatly astounded upon this- that here a man is gratifying his sexual lusts and desires and yet he is being rewarded for it? Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained to them that had
this man gratified himself in a haram manner he would be punished for it, then why should he not be rewarded for satisfying himself in a Halaal manner? He will certainly be rewarded.
AT THE TIME OF SEEING AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
At times, the gaze involuntarily falls upon an attractive woman, which causes excitement of the passion. In such circumstances, what should be done? The Hadith provides guidance.
"When women emerge outdoors, they appear in the form of shaitaan, thus if any of you accidentally gaze at her and take fancy to her, he should consort with his wife, for she has the same that the other woman has." This will cleanse the heart form evil intentions, ideas and thoughts.
At the same time, the fire of passion and desire that was kindled, will be calmed and cooled in a lawful manner.
PREPARATION FOR INTERCOURSE
The Psychological preparation for sexual intercourse is equally important as intercourse itself. Anything that will cause distraction or distaste should be avoided completely. This will turn the opposite partner "off", with detrimental consequences for the couple as well as their marriage.
Amongst the factors that are a major "turn-off" is dirt, filth, bad, odours and uncivilized behaviour. Particularly a bad odour from the mouth or body is very unpleasant and the habit of smoking can kill passion and desire for the opposite partner altogether.
It is of extreme importance that the mouth be clean, especially with smokers, who should take extra precaution in this regard.
It is part of the beautiful habit of our pure and honour able Master, Rasulullah (Sallallahnu-Alayhi-Wasallam), that the used to apply itr (scent) and that he used to perform the miswaak (cleansing of the mouth and teeth) before intercourse. Even in such Minute and apparently insignificant matters, he showed us the path to success and bliss.
It will indeed be unfortunate if we do not appreciate and practice his teachings and habits, i.e. the Sunnah.
Ibne-Jauzi (Rahimahumullah) states in Saidul Khatir" that the couple should should fix a certain part of the day or night for intercourse in order that both of them prepare physically and psychologically for time.
This will increase and heighten their pleasure. Furthermore, it will eliminate the possibility of any one of them being in an undesirable or unprepared state of mind or body.
It is for this reason that one learned scholar states that a man should inform his wife of his intentions to have sexual relations from the morning in order that both be prepared fully at the appropriate time.
It us for this very reason that Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alay-hi-Wasallah) and the Sahaba-Kiram (Radiyallahu- Anhum) would not enter their homes during the night after returning from along journey. Rather, they would enter only in the morning. The ideal was to give the womenfolk sufficient time to prepare themselves for their husbands.
In the words of Rasullallah (Sallallahu-Alay-hi-hi-Wasallah): In order that the unkempt, disheveled women comb their hair and the unprepared ones shave (shaving of pubes, underarms, etc)
There can be no greater turn-off to a returning husband than to find his wife in an unkempt, untidy condition.
It is therefore necessary that he announce his imminent arrival either by way of letter, telephone or a messenger, in order that his wife prepare herself for his arrival.
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF SEXUAL RELATIONS-IN BRIEF.
1. Wudhu, miswaak and scent.
2. Proper intention .
3. Prepare psychologically .
4. Foreplay .
5. Recite respective duas.
6. Keep in mind correct/preferable times. .
7. Keep in mind correct posture .
8. Afterplay .
9. Urination after intercourse .
10. Cleansing private parts .
11. Fresh bath before next intercourse .
12. Bath as soon as possible .
13. Conceal private affairs .
1. Complete nudity.
2. Face Qiblah.
3. Stand during intercourse .
4. Excessive Speech.
5. Gaze at private parts.
6. On a full stomach.
7. With a full bladder.
8. On prohibited nights.
10. Excessive indulgence.
12. Anal sex.
13. Sex during menstruation.
N.B. Each of the above points are now discussed individually for a better insight into each one. .
Islam's emphasis on cleanliness is a known fact to even little children of good Muslims homes cleanliness is half of Faith (Iman one hadith teaches us)..
At the time of sexual intercourse, this aspect of Islam becomes even more emphatic..
Physical cleanliness enhances spiritual purity. Both the partners should preferably be in the state of wuzu..
As mentioned previously under the section on PREPARATION 4), the mouth should be cleansed thoroughly with miswaak or a brush .
at least. There cannot be a worse turn-off than bad breath and pungent odours. Those habituated to smoking should take extra precautions in this regard. The importance of this can be gauged from the masala of Shariah with regard to a person who has eaten onions or garlic entering the masjid. The Fuqaha (Rahimahumullah)(Jurists) have ruled that it is Prohibited for such a person to enter the majid! Reason: Because it is a cause of Takleef (discomfort) to the fellow-musallis. .
How important would it then be for husband and wife, who are constantly in each other proximity to maintain proper oral hygiene and not to cause abhorrence to each other by neglecting this important aspect of Taharah and cleanliness! .
Such neglect could be the cause of serious detriment to the marriage..
It is such seemingly "insignificant" matters that become the root to broken homes and other marital discord. It is also useful to apply it or scent as was the sunnah of our honourable Master Rasulullah (Sallahllahu-Alayhi- Wasallah). This will cause mutual attraction..
The importance of a correct intention has been adequately stressed To attain rewards for this act, a proper niyyah (intention) should always be formulated. .
One saintly person says with regard to himself that he once kissed his wife without making the proper intention (i.e. to please ALLAH(Zzza-wa-Jall) that He had made Halaal). As a result of this, he states that he suffered a setback of one full year in his spiritual progress. .
This sufficiently expresses the importance of correct intentions in all actions, at all times. .
Furthermore, Hazrat Ibnu-Abbas (Radiyallahu-Anhum) says: "I love to adorn myself for women (my wives) as much as I wish them to adorn themselves for me". Preparation from both the partners..
Fore play is a vital element of a happy and successful martial life. .
It should never be neglected. It is absolutely vital that a man arouse his wife sexually via foreplay before indulging in sexual intercourse. .
It is indeed callous and selfish that he fulfils his desires like an animal while his wife experiences no sensation whatsoever..
This is extremely demoralizing for the women and has terrible consequences for the couple and their marriage..
Therefore every couple should take the trouble of exploring those regions of each other's anatomy that will arouse their desires and heighten their pleasure. These areas are known as the "erogenous zones"..
They vary from person to person but are generally concentrated in the upper body are and the below the naval, if stroked tenderly, cause the sexual desires to rise and passions to be kindled..
Even in this regard we find the beautiful teaching of Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) a guidance for us; that in very subtle manner he impressed upon his companions (Radiyallahu-Anhum) importance and necessity of foreplay with the wife. For example:-.
It is narrated in the Ahadith that once Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) came to know that Hazrat Jabir "(Radiyallhu-Anhum) had married a widow. He said: "Why did you not marry a virgin whom you could play with and Who would play with you?" BUKHARI, MUSLIM This is a subtle indication towards love play or foreplay between the couple..
Furthermore, the importance of expressing love and feelings towards each other can be learned from the Ahadith of Rasulullah(Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that go to this effect that when a husband or wife gaze at each other with love and affection, Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) gazes at them with mercy and kindness. When the husband and wife hold each others hands with love and affection, Allah Ta'ala forgives their sins..
If the wife is breast-feeding, caution should be observed that no milk enters the throat during the course of loveplay. .
It is Makroohe- Tahrimi for the husband to drink the milk of his wife. If any person, out of ignorance has transgressed this regulation of the Shariah, the only form of expiation is a sincere taubah and repetance. However, this does not affect the bond of nikah as is the misconception of many people..
5. RECITATION OF DUA.
For the protection from shaitaan and other harms, it is important to recite the Masnoon Duas at the time of intercourse. In this way the couple and their progeny will be protected from much harm..
The respective duas for this occasion are as follows:- 1. AT THE TIME OF COMMENCING WITH INTERCOURSE:-.
"In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from Shaitaan and prevent shaitaan from that which you grant us"..
2. AT THE TIME OF EJACULATION TRANSLATION.
"O Allah! Do not grant shaitaan any share of that which you have granted me". Note:- 1. At the time of ejaculation, the dua should be recited in the mind only, not verbally..
2. Both husband and wife should recite the dua..
It is reported that if a person does not recite these duas, Shaitaan participates with him in the act of coitus and derives pleasure from his wife. .
Not reciting the dua is also a cause for rebellious and disobedient progeny as is observe in our times. Shah Abdul-Haq Dehlawi (Rahimahumullah) states in this regard: "If a prayer like this is not made at the time of coitus and only the sexual urge is fulfilled like the animals; .
the child that is born out of such a union will not be saved from the evil influence of Shaitaan. This is one of the main reasons that the morals of the present generation are not good.".
Another point of significance is the importance of Zikr in the life of a Mumin(Believer). Unlike other religious, Islam regards even mudane activities as acts of worship (Ibadah) and obedience (Ta'aat) if carried out under the regulations of Shariah, with the correct intention and with the Zikr of Allah (Azza-wa-Jall). Thus what would normally be a debased act in other religions, is a noble act of worship and obedience that is rewardable in Islam..
These duas serve to develop Allah-consciousness and piety in a Muslim. It is highly imperative that every couple endeavour to learn, memorise and recite these duas at the appropriate time..
A little effort and sacrifice of time is required, but the returns are enormous and far-reaching..